10 things women need to know about their future guy!

1. Is he humble, or does he brag shamelessly or talk about himself constantly?
2. Is he courteous and respectful, or does he repeatedly cut you off in mid-sentence?
3. Does he apologize if he hurts you or has made a mistake?
4. Does he focus on you, or does he seem distracted by other women?
5. Is he patient with children?
6. Does he treat waiters and service people with respect?
7. Does he carry himself in a dignified manner, or does he curse, get drunk, or yell?
8. Does he give to charity?
9. Even if he is not close to his parents or family, does he listen to you when you tell him why he should reconsider?
10. Is he generous, or does he insist you pay half the bill?

If you’re dating a man who scores 7 out of ten on this list, you’re doing OK.

* Repost from Mark. ^__^

*****
The following is from the Kosher Coupling column of Shmuley Boteach.

Am I Too Picky?
How to let go of the fears that can turn a discerning dater into a serious commitment-phobe.

Dear Rabbi Shmuley,

I am 30 years old, and would love to meet someone, fall in love, and get married. My problem is that I’m too picky–or at least my friends tell me I am. I have first and sometimes second dates fairly often, but there’s always something that makes me end it before it gets too much more involved than that. He took a cell phone call during our date. Or he works late every night. Or he has no relationship with his family. To me, these are major red flags that he is not a man who can be devoted to a relationship without baggage or distraction. I know my standards are unreasonably high, but can you advise me on how to tell the difference between a minor human quirk and a relationship deal-breaker?
Picky

Hi Picky,
In the back of my book “Kosher Sex,” I give a checklist for marriage. But before I highlight some of those qualifications, let’s identify a visible truth. You are more than likely a commitment-phobe. Now, there are two kinds: the passive commitment-phobe, who sabotages the relationship before it even begins by dating inappropriate people, and the active commitment-phobe, who looks for all kinds of outs as the relationship grows more serious.

It seems clear to me that you’re the latter, an active commitment-phobe. The men you are dating are not bad. If they’re imperfect, then so are you. Indeed, if they were perfect, why would they need you? It is through our failings, shortcomings, and deficiencies that we come to appreciate what our partners add to our lives. Just think about it. Were you to devote yourself to one of these imperfect men, you could probably teach them how to honor a woman by, say, not answering the phone during a date, honor himself by not becoming a workaholic, and honor his family by being closer to them.

I am a great believer that a woman inspires a man to be better. The notion of romantic love is that a man strives to be a knight, a gentleman, battling dragons, or in this case his own inner demons, in order to win the fair maiden.

The reasons you’re so dismissive of these men can feel like many different particulars. But put together, they all come down to this: fear. You’re afraid that something is going to go wrong. But love and fear are diametrical opposites. Love is the extension of the self, through trust, to connect with another. Fear is the recoiling of the self to shy away from the other. So stop being so afraid. Nothing terrible is going to happen if you fall in love, as long as you fall in love with the right person. And all you need to determine who that will be is to focus on the essentials of character rather than nit-pick the peripherals.

Here are some highlights, from the checklist I mentioned earlier:

   1. Is he humble, or does he brag shamelessly or talk about himself constantly?
   2. Is he courteous and respectful, or does he repeatedly cut you off in mid-sentence?
   3. Does he apologize if he hurts you or has made a mistake?
   4. Does he focus on you, or does he seem distracted by other women?
   5. Is he patient with children?
   6. Does he treat waiters and service people with respect?
   7. Does he carry himself in a dignified manner, or does he curse, get drunk, or yell?
   8. Does he give to charity?
   9. Even if he is not close to his parents or family, does he listen to you when you tell him why he should reconsider?
  10. Is he generous, or does he insist you pay half the bill?

If you’re dating men who score 7 out of ten on this list, you’re doing OK.

One more thing. The other reason you’re not getting married is that you’re not feeling lonely enough. Love is the solution to humankind’s first malady–aloneness. That’s what Adam first experienced in the Book of Genesis. I suggest that for two weeks you go cold turkey on going out to movies, hanging out with friends, and especially dating. Once you start experiencing the loneliness that comes from a dearth of human company, you will long to be with a man who assuages your loneliness. And chances are, your expectations will be much more realistic.

G-d bless you,
Rabbi Shmuley

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20 thoughts on “10 things women need to know about their future guy!

  1. nads . June 5, 2008 at 11:48 am Reply
  2. nads . June 5, 2008 at 11:49 am Reply
  3. KIKAY KATITAY June 5, 2008 at 3:25 pm Reply

    9 out 10 😀 yeeey!!! :Dok 'to ah 😀

  4. Jean Monique Sanchez June 5, 2008 at 5:38 pm Reply

    Thanks Nadia! I'll post the full article na nga rin. 😀

  5. Jean Monique Sanchez June 5, 2008 at 5:39 pm Reply

    Wow! :DAko… Hmm….No comment.

  6. eds ^^, June 5, 2008 at 9:08 pm Reply

    that a woman inspires a man to be better–talaga? hmmm. haha. e d sana lahat ng girl masaya.Nothing terrible is going to happen if you fall in love, as long as you fall in love with the right person. And all you need to determine who that will be is to focus on the essentials of character rather than nit-pick the peripherals.–ang hirap pa rin. tsk

  7. Joseph Chua June 5, 2008 at 11:55 pm Reply

    i think it's true, pero dapat true love. hehe. sabi nga sa Bible, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her" (Ephesians 5:25); so if the man really loves the woman, he will try to emulate Christ. 🙂

  8. KIKAY KATITAY June 6, 2008 at 3:36 am Reply

    super true… all throughout my life Moe i made believe myself i can make it w/o man. but w/ what happened to me recently, naku. mega wrong ang theory ko. :pAdam is for Eve, Eve is for Adam. not Adam is for Steve, neither Eve is for Miriam. =)

  9. KIKAY KATITAY June 6, 2008 at 3:43 am Reply

    yes pero sa umpisa lang naman yan. X_x i prefer what Oprah said, "You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within." (full length of this is here. mas ok kung nagbago sya sa sariling kusa (kahit may gf o wala), di lang dahil sa gf nya kasi ang tawag dun di pagbabago kundi pagba-balat-kayo.

  10. Jean Monique Sanchez June 6, 2008 at 11:19 am Reply

    Hahaha. But you know, I agree with the Rabbi. A woman really inspires a man to be better. Pero hindi nga lang lahat ng lalaki ay naiinspire ng babae. :DPansinin mo lang, may mga dating bad boy na pag nameet ang babaeng mahal na mahal nila, they'll strive to be better para mas magustuhan sila ng girl at yung family at friends ng girl. :)If ever you find a man like that, don't ever let him go na. :DI met some guy like that… but I thought I was too young then. Ayon, sayang. Now I regret my decision… 😦

  11. Jean Monique Sanchez June 6, 2008 at 11:22 am Reply

    I know… Super hirap nito. 😦 I guess kailangan lang talaga nating magpray at maghintay.May agreement ba kayo ni God? 😀 Ask for a sign from Him. ^__^

  12. Jean Monique Sanchez June 6, 2008 at 11:23 am Reply

    I agree Joseph. :)Grabe, lahat ata ng tanong ay may kasagutan sa Bible. :)Joseph, musta na ang pagmemed? Hehe. We'll miss you!

  13. Jean Monique Sanchez June 6, 2008 at 11:25 am Reply

    Onga eh… When I was in college, kahit na may bf ako nun, I thought I'd make it alone.Pero tama rin yung sinabi nung Rabbi that a girl must feel very lonely before she'll appreciate the essence of having a commitment with a guy. 🙂

  14. Jean Monique Sanchez June 6, 2008 at 11:27 am Reply

    I agree rin Kate, change MUST come from within. Kailangan desire talaga ng guy to change for the girl. :)Ganon ba yon Kate? Pagbabalat-kayo? Pwede naman na girl ang catalyst of change diba?

  15. Joseph Chua June 6, 2008 at 1:15 pm Reply

    yeah, that fact never ceases to amaze me too. hehehe. about med, start na sa june 10. pero mas inaalala ko yung board exam–di pa ako handa! hehe.

  16. Jean Monique Sanchez June 6, 2008 at 2:57 pm Reply

    Onga eh… Basta, if ever I have problems again, magcoconsult na talaga ako sayo. 😀 Hehe. I remember our small group discussions… Sana maulit muli!Ah… pareho pala start ng classes natin. hehe.Naku, yung boards… Kayang kaya mo yan! Ikaw pa! 😀 Go Joseph!

  17. eds ^^, June 6, 2008 at 6:10 pm Reply

    yes. haha. pinagdadasal ko yan. hehe. sabi rin kasi ni mami nakukuha lahat sa prayers. at pinatotoo niya kasi binigay ni God si daddy samin. 🙂

  18. Jean Monique Sanchez June 6, 2008 at 6:25 pm Reply

    Awww… that's so sweet. :)Well, dapat talagang ipagdasal to. I believe na lahat nakukuha sa dasal. 😀

  19. KIKAY KATITAY June 7, 2008 at 1:34 am Reply

    kc para sa'ken dapat magbago sya para sa sarili nya, di para sa babae =) saka kung mahal tlg sya ng gurl, he doesn't have to change. most women think kc na they can change the man when they're in the relationship na, but neaaah, the guy can just please her but to go to a total transformation, that's hard =)

  20. Jean Monique Sanchez June 7, 2008 at 10:18 am Reply

    Sabagay, may point ka nga.Mas maganda nga naman if a guy changes himself for himself and not just to be able to impress a girl to win her heart. 🙂

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